i'm so mad, all i can do is dance!

How to turn a boy's game into a man's game.

10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard

You best be careful when you direct message on Twitter. It's d @, not dm @.

Death by Chocolate! Ashton Kutcher's greatest acting role to date

Is this beautiful or creepy? Either way, it distracted me for over 30 seconds.

Because you never know when this will come in handy (18+ for adult language)

There's one way to get back at an ex. (And if you want to see all the pics, check out the forum below on Digg. But ya didn't hear it from me.)

Test your hacking skills (as expected, I have none).

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (The best part, besides Kristin Kreuk, Michael Clarke Duncan and Neal McDonough with a goatee, is the very end - even though the whole thing is in some Asian language I'll never understand, the narrator still reads the title in English. Asian stereotypes FTW)


Some of the best 'shopping I've seen in years. Check out Brad Pitt and Vin Diesel in the most anticipated movie of my imagination, Thundercats!


Once again, Lily Allen proves that she's better than you with her incredible cover of Britney's "Womanizer"


500 RPM NERF Chaingun (source)

you ever notice how rollos make you drool?

MUSIC VIDEO DAY
Thought I'd bring some class to this site (sort of) with a collection of some of the coolest music videos from the last couple decades.

Bjork - It's Oh So Quiet (directed by Spike Jonze)


UNKLE - Rabbit in Your Headlights


Bad Ronald - Let's Begin


Beastie Boys - Sabotage


The Hanslick Rebellion - You Are Boring the Shit Out Of Me (18+ due to lots of foul language)


Framing Hanley - Lollipop (Li'l Wayne cover...oh, and don't be surprised when it takes until the 2:18 mark for the music to start)

when i held that gun in my hand, i felt a surge of power - like god must feel when he's holding a gun

An a capella tribute to John Williams. Because I'm artsy like that (thanks to Trent for forcing me to watch this)


This is why I need to stop saving up posts: I found this video like a week ago and intended to use it when I'd come up with a creative caption. Now it's taken off like a southern California wildfire and I'm behind the times. Whateva, I'm postin' it anyway, I do what I want.


Bret and Jemaine are returning to TV! Easily the best New Zealand folk music comedy duo on HBO, Flight of the Conchords was miraculously signed on for a second season. (Check out more of their stuff on HBO's site)

i framed a raccoon for opening a christmas present and i framed a bear for eating out of the garbage

TOP TEN DAY

1. Top 10 Tips to Commit the Perfect Crime

2. EGM's Top Ten Things We've Learned From Our Xbox Live Headset

3. Top 10 Things You Forgot Your Mac Can Do

4. 10 Most Unusual Houses of the World

5. 10 Luxurious Concept Cars and Designs

6. Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much

7. Top Ten Most Annoying Alarm Clocks

8. 10 Cool Secrets About Disneyland

9. 10 Epic Fails of Video Gaming Industry

10. 10 Clever Gingerbread Houses

i want to go to there

Infrequently Asked Questions

100 Dating Conversation Starters
- ineffective lines: 16, 18, 26, 33, 36, 49, 51, 56, 57, 72, 76, 96
- confusing: 53, 55, 85
- possibly awkward: 21, 75, 86

Yeah, I'd buy that camera now.

Hoooooly crap that's a scary crab

Don't they know that when they warn me to not try this at home, it makes it all the more enticing?

And they told me it was a ridiculous notion to one day own a penguin who would fetch me beer out of a fridge with a doggy door. My dream lives on.


MSNBC has some angry producers...if you listen really carefully, you may just to able to hear this guy unleash a curse-filled tirade that would make even Bill O'Reilly blush.

religious but with a wink, y'know?

songs of the moment:
shiny toy guns | ghost town
kanye west | love lockdown
robocop
bad news
see you in my nightmares (ft. lil wayne)
ludacris | last of a dying breed (ft. lil wayne)
paramore | decode

Nintendo Entertainment System of a Down

I'm sure I've posted this before, but my long term memory leaves much to be desired, so for good measure I'm throwing it up again. Back in the day this cyber pimp known as Bloodninja was the scourge of AIM, repeatedly pwning desperate girls on the Internet and/or men pretending to be women. This stuff is pretty inappropriate but entirely hilarious so watch at your own risk: The Saga of Bloodninja

Check out some super-creepy renditions of a few celebrities that you know very well

beer - now there's a temporary solution

Remember last week when I showed you all the coolest gifts to get your loved ones and/or me for Christmas? Who am I kidding, you've never read this site before unless you actually know me. Well, in either case, consider this list the exact opposite of last week's, with the exception of the "life gem."

This is why I could never get into Harvard: Their BioVisions team produced a video called "The Inner Life of the Cell" which is an absolutely stunning piece of eye candy. Find out more information here and watch a large version of the video here.

It's a sad, sad day when you realize that ants are much more intelligent than you or anyone you know will ever be. Check out the coolest underground civilization ever constructed, with the except of the City of Ember (source).


Sneak peek of Lost Season 5, because ABC loves giving me blue balls for the next month and a half.

it just seems awfully mean...but sometimes the ends justify the mean

This is for my friends and George W. Bush (nucLEAR), so that I don't have to correct you in person because I am a d-bag.

Avoid these malls when Christmas shopping with the kids

The most unnecessarily large trucks known to man. What better way to celebrate reduced gas prices?

So I found this cool/dumb DIY band/album maker. My band will be called Bare-bellied Hedgehog, our album will be named "remains and is immortal" and this will be our album cover. Put it all together and you get this:

(I think the album name generator may be a little sketchy. If yours comes up as "business known as gambling" then hit the button below it for a new one)

shut up brain, or i'll stab you with a q-tip!

There's something I gotta get off my chest...is anyone else feeling like Heroes is starting to be less of a treat and more like work? I mean, I gotta remember so many storylines and wait so long for developments...this is why they gave Lost a 6-season cap. Sorry guys, didn't mean to get all political on you.

I would super appreciate it if someone would look into this and tell me if they managed to repair their dent without also stripping the paint off their car

How to view removed or deleted YouTube videos...because who wouldn't want to see Beyonce doing a Superman dive down a flight of stairs again without the expressed written consent of her record label (found the camera phone version here)

If you don't want to go to Burning Man after seeing these photographs, you clearly suffer from temporary blindness (for the record how badass is it that last year's theme was Green Man? Talk about ahead of the trends)

Collaboration doesn't always work out

Now if only they could play the underwater level theme, I would be impressed

If this doesn't have its own screenplay within 6 years I will start donating money to charity

T-Pain. Ludacris. Kenan Thompson. Andy Samberg. Get out your parkas, the Blizzard Man is coming!


Here's a Samberg skit they wouldn't show on SNL (It's anybody guess as to why, but my first thought would be the extreme amount of cursing and/or a political conspiracy).

that explains why i always get an erection when i floss!

Happy Turkey Day!


I sense a Doublemint Gum commercial in this kitty's future.

Note to self: Never board a cruise ship ever. (Video is pretty long, so skip to 1:30 where things start getting interesting and 5:00 where all Hell breaks loose)

null - Watch more free videos

World record BASE jump off the Burj Dubai tower, a.k.a. the tallest building on earth (source)

i've never been so excited to see poop! well, maybe once

My Christmas list be DONE

Four words that make my body smile: Megan Fox Bikini Outtakes

FINALLY something cool happens in Canada. (Facts on it here)


That's one sneaky penguin.


Am I the only person who was not aware that Bruce Lee could play ping-pong with nunchakus (and kick ass at it)?

you left a voice, but it wasn't male

Yes, I'm reading Fail Blog again. I'm sorry, it's an addiction.

FAIL DAY

Flirtation fail





This is so badass that I can't even describe it.


Just wait for it. Trust me, it's worth it.


American Idol fail

More funny videos like the "American Idol Let Down" at Heavy.com

may cause dizziness, sexual nightmares and sleep crime

Those craaaaazy asians!

I could stare at this for hours. Or at least until the meds wear off.

Gymkhana might be one of the coolest activities on earth...it's basically drifting through an elaborate (not to mention hardcore) obstacle course. Ken Block knows what he's doing behind the wheel, and the 2006 Impreza WRX STi certainly doesn't hurt either. Needless to say, do not get into a car chase with this guy, because you will lose. Now, prepare to have your mind blown!


In case you were wondering what the definition of "oblivious" is, check out this interview with Sarah Palin from a few days ago. She pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, then goes right ahead and gives an interview in front of a guy SLAUGHTERING TURKEYS. You can tell by the look on his face that even he's thinking, "Ummm, do you not notice what's going on here?" And then he continues with his death-dealing.

i love catching people in the act. that's why i always whip open doors

More creative ways to get from the ground floor to the second.

Since you'll never get a chance to sit in a real Ferrari. Get a job.

All I need for Christmas is an XBOX360 and this game (and apparently a bag for vomit).

I'm on hour 2 of viewing this site.

See, this is why the world needs editors like me.

I lack creativity.

For m'nerds.

I'm watching high quality YouTube videos from here on out.

How is it possible that this has been out for over a year and I've never heard of it? I need to pick up a newspaper...or read something besides celebrity and movie blogs. Nah, screw it, I'm not changing.

i think if you tell one kid that you don't love him as much, believe me, that kid is gonna try harder

I've had Citizen Kane, Michael Clayton, I'm Not There, Casablanca and Before the Devil Knows You're Dead available to watch at any time and never started viewing them. However, I've watched Hod Rod and Shoot 'Em Up a combined 73 times.

Another beautiful and adorable CGI movie courtesy of DreamWorks

FINALLY.

Now THAT is how you make a Guitar Hero Commercial. Take that, Brett Ratner.

that's not gonna get us a ride, man

FAIL DAY











Wheel of Fortune Fail


It ain't easy bein' fluffy.


Looks like somebody needs to attend a pimp-slapping seminar.

how many slices have you had, julio? how about you've had enough

Now that's one lucky kid.


Look at that horse.


I'm sorry, what was that Joe?


The cutest cat in existence

that bird was trying to buy a stereo with my credit card

Well, you gotta respect his tenacity.

Get me some of that sulphur hexafluoride stuff. I don't care if it's not safe to use at home.

Dude, that dog can frickin' TALK. Crazy.


Zach Galifianakis' twin brother is a dick.

if you're a gay guy looking for a beard, i don't do that anymore

SNL DAY

I'm Brian Fellow! (Oh, and if you don't have Hulu, I weep for you)


Giraffes!


Best facial expression ever.


Kristen Wiig, if you're reading this, I love you. Even if you do have tiny hands.


I drink your milkshake!


Through good times and bad...


I'm pretty sure SNL gives Andy Samberg to do whatever he wants in the Digital Shorts. So, thank you Lorne Michaels, you made a wise choice.


Wait, OJ Simpson is that famous football player, right?

we'll auction off people, like in the olden days

GAME DAY

Sorry for all of you who thought this post would be sports-related...if you haven't noticed, I could give two poops about any sport besides Gator football, and of course badminton...can't get enough of that badminton. Here are some awesome time-wasters for those of you with less to do in a day than me (a.k.a. Molly).

Dolphin Olympics involves flipping, swimming, rings and somehow the Moon. My high score: 3,282,163

N Game brings out the ninja in me - oh, and use Shift or Z to jump...took me like 10 minutes to figure that out because directions are for wussies.

If you don't get addicted to this, you might as well be dead to me.

How good are you at estimating? The Eyeballing Game will put your skills to the test.

How well do you know your world? This is like the eyeballing game but with geography.

Hedgehog Launch is the cutest game EVAR.

three of my nine siblings were adopted...and someday, i'm gonna find them

Those craaaazy Germans!

Y'know, even though I'm excited to have a president who I can trust to understand what's going on in our world, there are certain things I'm gonna miss about ol' W.


Someboday tell me how South Park managed to have this ready less than 24 hours after it originally aired on TV. However they did it, I want to kiss Trey Parker and Matt Stone on the mouth right now.


Heidi Klum could sell rubbers to a monk.

i've traveled 500 miles to give you my seed!

Yet more proof that giant spiders are one the rise and will eventually take over the Earth.

If you laugh at this, you're a terrible person. If you don't, you're a racist. Enjoy that conundrum.


In case you were wondering what the Budweiser "Whazzzzzup" guys have been up to (I wasn't).


Iton Man + Spider-Man + the Hulk = Badassery (you're damn right that's a word)

it squeaks when you bang it...that's what she said

I hope you all voted today (Over 4 million people marked on Facebook that they did), because even though it's one vote and really doesn't count for much, you need to remember that we're the only young people left and we're kinda the smartest ones, with the exception of FSU grads.

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

she touched me in my swimsuit area

It's my birthday bitches, and as a special treat, I'm sharing one of the sweetest presents I've ever received: a personalized birthday message from THE Jason Statham. Well, not really Jason Statham, but rather Lance from Filmdrunk's impression of the Stath, which, for movie nerds like me, is way cooler. Enjoy. (A special thanks to the one and only Molly Telfer for offering her body to Lance in return for this gift, I am eternally grateful.)



Oi, ‘allo, Jason Stafam ‘eah. Oy bet yous wonderin’ whoy oy’s got no clovves on, now don’ oy? Well first fings first, Oy’s got no clovves on cuz oy’s wearin moy fock’n birfday suit, innit. Cuz todaiy’s moy fock’n birfday, now doesn’ oy?
“Moy naime ees Chev Chelios, and todaiy’s da day oy wuz born.”
Oi, d’ya get that one? Loike, from dat fock’n movie where oy’s transpor’erin fings? Roighto, keep lahfing, ya cheeky cunt. But loike oy said, oy’s wearing moy fock’n birfdaiy suit cuz even though it’s not moy birfdaiy loike some cunt said before, it is your birfdaiy. An’ oy’m fock’n Jason Stafam, oy cahn’t be bovvered ta rememba every cunt oo’s fock’n birfdaiy it is dat daiy, now does oy? Fact is, you should count yourself lucky if oy’s even finkin about attendin your fock’n pahty. An’ oy am, on free conditions:

1. A propa dress code. Oy don’ weah shirts. No shoes, no shir’ ‘relse fock off, oy ain’ coming. Oy don’ do free fousand pull-ups a daiy for nufing, now does oy?

2. Fit birds. Roight, Jason Stafam doesn’ go nowhere wifout fit fock’n birds, cleah?

3. An’ dis is da most impohant one: Oy droive moy own cah.

who's the king of the demo?

Awwww less Gina Carano kicking ass and Kimbo Slice getting his ass kicked in my life

These would look pretty sweet on my '01 Explorer Sport

Why must Eminem constantly remind us that he's back? I mean, it's not like I didn't know that it's been a while since he's had a hit. Who do you think you are, Mase? Anyway, thought over. Rumors are that this is a leaked chunk off his new CD, "Relapse", and it looks like he has not yet lost his touch.


Where politics, Palin, and the Pain Train meet.

i will not fail you, rainbow chicken

You know how so many music videos rarely have anything to do with the subject material of the song? Well, this video shows what A-Ha's "Take on Me" would be like if they were forced to sing about what is going on in their video, and I love it so much that I want to take it back behind the middle school and get it pregnant.


And equally entertaining, here's the literal version of "Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears, another '80s classic.

everybody knows that the bird is the word!

I like to call that an "official badass" tattoo

Dude, paint isn't that expensive

Holy crap, that Hayden Panettiere sure does have a dirty mouth on her. Aaaaand my head's in the gutter again.

See more Hayden Panettiere videos at Funny or Die

Selma Blair is pretty awesome. Sometimes it's better to face the paparazzi and just get their dumb questions over with.

look out, indy! it's steven spielberg and george lucas!

Sorry the blog had been molested by videos and links filled with naughty language and sexual innuendo, but today is no exception.

Look out! Killer polar bear!

A very disturbing and yet strangely erotic safe sex PSA from France I'm guessing.
- the men's version
- one for the ladies

So wait, no one else liked The Wicker Man?

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I could do that blindfolded in my sleep with a bobcat gnawing on my inner thigh.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

tae kwon do is terrific for keeping in shape, but it's also a deadly serious killing system

BEST OF CRAIGSLIST DAY
Warning: may will contain foul language.

Sober clowns are sooo two years ago

There has to be a better way to phrase that

Rock my world! (of warcraft)

Sometimes you just have to get it all out of your system, and you don't have a journal on hand

I have an autographed Chuck Palahniuk book, but I got nothing on this guy

Well that's one way to get back on your regular cycle

Hands down, the most amazing Craiglist post I have ever read

Please read before attempting to get ass on Craigslist

If these people weren't high when they wrote this, I will drink my own urine

This is no ordinary bicycle, and no ordinary Craiglist poster

Attack dogs are yesterday's protection...real men own attack kittens

Cat found - black with white stripes

I'm crossing my fingers in the hopes that this guy ends up finding his perfect mate, but I think his requirements may be a little too niche

STOP - Hammer time

And YOU thought that farting could never get you laid

If you were ever wondering how one person could spill grandma on another person...mystery solved

Some polite traffic recommendations to make for a more efficient world

it's not 'stealing' if you're family. but seriously, don't tell your mom

This man goes to the patent office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

My new favorite twitter account, besides my own.

The finest indicat and cativa strains

Are you not just a drunk dialer and texter, but also a drunk e-mailer? Well, Google now has you covered.

Have you ever wanted to BASE jump, but like me, lack the testicular fortitude? Well, check out this first-person video and find out how much fun you're missing out on.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Josh Groban pays tribute to some of our greatest TV theme songs...I may hate his music normally, but I'll admit that he rocks the house on this one.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Hey asshole! You forgot the ball!

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

say hi to your mother for me, ok?

I mean come on, who hasn't broken into a zoo and fed lizards to the crocodiles.

The most stealthy doctor on Earth

As if I needed another reason to love Andy Samberg....best Mark Wahlberg impression EVAR.


Lil' O'Reilly is both cute and incredibly intimidating

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

well then somebody say something memorable, because this is our last stand

13 facts about women that most men forget

14 facts about men that most women forget

It turns out that not all celebrities are brainless sacks of shit. Check out this ultra-cool voting PSA with more cameos than you can shake a stick at, given that you have a stick nearby. (Caution: naughty language)

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Jason Bourne isn't the only man who's difficult to find.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

this is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here

Cat Drifting


Marry me, Sarah Silverman (Language is highly inappropriate and political in nature, so check yourself before you wreck yourself)

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

The Food Network is comprised of some sneaky SOBs

if god dropped acid, would he see people?

Construct your own evil plan!

I think a lot of today's celebrities are leading double lives, or at least moonlighting

Trailer for Charlie Kaufman's new film, Synecdoche, New York (definition of synecdoche)


You know it's a good hit when you throw up your lemon-lime gatorade


This is why you should be watching Always Sunny, or not be watching it
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - It's All About Poop


I hate when people are racist towards me in the elevator (18+ for language)

...and btdub, you totally did not oversell the eggs benny

ANIMAL DAY

Barking cat


Ninja Cat


Spider Puppy


Huggy the Lion (full story)

who wants a body massage?

RANDOM VIDEO DAY

Will Ferrell answers some unfiltered fan mail, hilarity ensues

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

Pencil Face will haunt your dreams...thanks a lot SCAD

GI Joe PSA Compilation


Check out some fairly common skateboarding tricks at 120 frames per second (trust me, it's cooler this way).


My hero Joel McHale tries to explain the mystery that is Spaghetti Cat


Slow-motion lightning is super trippy, and drugs are bad (unrelated)


The Evil Kangaroo is just one more reason I'm frightened of Europeans

fleece it out

LINK DAY

Forgetting Sarah Marshall Jonah Hill outtakes

Presto in HD

Top 10 greatest stoner movies

Holy crap this guy can dance...or at least do whatever it is he does

10 things to look forward to this college football season...prepare for sarcasm

Ron White takes a damn good mug shot

If you ever wake up in this place after a heavy night of drinking, prepare to be totally freaked out

Photos that changed the world...mostly

Emile Hirsch, Josh Brolin, Sean Penn and James Franco will make Milk one of the best movies of the year

Don't even try to Google Chuck Norris

icanhasacheezburger.com gets some new fuel

The new James Bond theme, composed by Jack White and featuring Alicia Keys

The Line Game will steal your soul as well as too much of your time

Here's a way for you to add more cowbell and Christopher Walken to your music in case you find this joke to still be relevant

Frame captures of the many movies that The Simpsons has parodied in its 19 years on the air

what's more important to you, a cat's feelings or your son's feelings?

Just for future reference, this is the schedule of my life for the next couple months; let's call it my hibernation from social interaction. I pray to you, DVR gods, do not let me down.

TV SCHEDULE
(Premiere) (Time)

Sunday
True Blood (Sept. 7) - 9:00
Entourage (Sept. 7) - 10:00
Dexter (Sept. 28) - 9:00
Family Guy (Sept. 28) - 9:00
American Dad (Sept. 28) - 9:30
Californication (Sept. 28) - 10:00
The Unit (Sept. 28) - 10:00


Monday
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Sept. 8) - 8:00
How I Met Your Mother (Sept. 22) - 8:30
Heroes (Sept. 22) - 9:00
Chuck (Sept. 29) - 8:00

Tuesday
Fringe (Sept. 9) - 8:00
House (Sept. 16) - 9:00
The Mentalist (Sept. 23) - 9:00

Wednesday
Knight Rider (Sept. 24) - 8:00
Pushing Daisies (Oct. 1) - 8:00

Thursday
Always Sunny (Sept. 18) - 10:00
Supernatural (Sept. 18) - 9:00
The Office (Sept. 25) - 9:00
30 Rock (Oct. 30) - 9:30

Saturday
SNL (Sept. 13) - 11:30


SESAME STREET DAY

The Sesame Street writers have some twisted minds.


MOP's "Ante Up", as performed by Bert 'n' Ernie

a lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage

JOKE DAY
Please, try not to be offended and/or a douche.

----------------

A Mexican guy, black guy, and an Asian guy are all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss calls a meeting with them about the day’s work. They were all pretty new, so they had to be assigned jobs.

He says to the Mexican guy, "You’re in charge of the cement."
He says to the black guy, "You’re in charge of the dirt."
He says to the Asian guy, "You’re in charge of the supplies."
After delegating out all the responsibilities he says, "I’m gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you’re all fired." The boss was quite serious and had a reputation for being shrewd. They immediately got to work.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back and checks on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and says, "Nice work" to the Mexican guy. He looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Nice work" to the black guy. He looks around and can’t find the Asian guy anywhere so he asks, "Where the heck is that Asian guy?"

All of a sudden, the Asian jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

-------------

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

------------

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

------------

A six-year old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it’s about time we started cussing. The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The six-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don’t know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!"

i can read minds, but i'm illiterate

Not all audiences appreciate Zach Galifianakis the way I do. Uploaded by the man himself.

See more Zach Galifianakis videos at Funny or Die

If you don't think this is cute, you are going to Hell.


Nice try, news anchors. Lucky for us ignorant voters, Jon Stewart has your number.