she touched me in my swimsuit area

It's my birthday bitches, and as a special treat, I'm sharing one of the sweetest presents I've ever received: a personalized birthday message from THE Jason Statham. Well, not really Jason Statham, but rather Lance from Filmdrunk's impression of the Stath, which, for movie nerds like me, is way cooler. Enjoy. (A special thanks to the one and only Molly Telfer for offering her body to Lance in return for this gift, I am eternally grateful.)



Oi, ‘allo, Jason Stafam ‘eah. Oy bet yous wonderin’ whoy oy’s got no clovves on, now don’ oy? Well first fings first, Oy’s got no clovves on cuz oy’s wearin moy fock’n birfday suit, innit. Cuz todaiy’s moy fock’n birfday, now doesn’ oy?
“Moy naime ees Chev Chelios, and todaiy’s da day oy wuz born.”
Oi, d’ya get that one? Loike, from dat fock’n movie where oy’s transpor’erin fings? Roighto, keep lahfing, ya cheeky cunt. But loike oy said, oy’s wearing moy fock’n birfdaiy suit cuz even though it’s not moy birfdaiy loike some cunt said before, it is your birfdaiy. An’ oy’m fock’n Jason Stafam, oy cahn’t be bovvered ta rememba every cunt oo’s fock’n birfdaiy it is dat daiy, now does oy? Fact is, you should count yourself lucky if oy’s even finkin about attendin your fock’n pahty. An’ oy am, on free conditions:

1. A propa dress code. Oy don’ weah shirts. No shoes, no shir’ ‘relse fock off, oy ain’ coming. Oy don’ do free fousand pull-ups a daiy for nufing, now does oy?

2. Fit birds. Roight, Jason Stafam doesn’ go nowhere wifout fit fock’n birds, cleah?

3. An’ dis is da most impohant one: Oy droive moy own cah.