alright lee, time to become an american hero

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are, alongside the road, and slowly the driver gets out of the car. As stressed as I already was, I was in for an amazing surprise.
The guy opens the door, steps out, and it turns out he's a dwarf!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
And that's when the fight started..

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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you,"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just About everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."

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A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family.""It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?""Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother.

A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.

The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior."But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself!

While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.

The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! "Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

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